No Such Luck
by J'ai besoin d'un biscuit
Summary: Hermes and Apollo find themselves travelling with a group of demigods to face an unknown monster. It's meant to be a punishment, but Hermes has always been able to make the best of bad situations. Fem!PercyxHermes
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hi there! I decided it's about time I wrote another multi-chapter fic, this time centered around my favorite god (ok one of my favorites), Hermes. As usual, let me start with the warnings: This is a fem!Percy story. This is a fem!PercyxHermes story. This is a fem!PercyxHermes story that takes place after HoO and won't necessarily follow the books exactly. This is a fem!PercyxHermes story that is rated T for future angst, swearing, etc.

If those warnings didn't put you off, enjoy this preview! And, of course, I still don't own Percy Jackson or Greek mythology. Are you shocked? I'm shocked.

* * *

10:00

Hermes shifted uneasily on his throne. He tapped his foot, twiddled his thumbs, and drummed his fingers. He stared at the ceiling, then the floor, then the other gods; all the while tuning out the incessant whining and arguing. Finally, he sneaked a look at his phone.

10:01

Tartarus! It had only been one minute! How was that even possible?

He threw his head back dramatically and barely refrained from sighing loudly. What was the point of being a god if it you had to constantly work and go to meetings? Honestly, it seemed like all he did any more was answer emails, return phone calls, and listen to the other gods complain. What had happened to the days when he was known as the ultimate trickster and troublemaker? He used to be an adventurer and a thief (a lovable one, of course), not just some glorified postal worker. When had it all gotten so… boring?

The volume of the background noise suddenly increased. Hermes looked down the throne room and discovered that Zeus and Poseidon were having another shouting match. Of course they were. What was it about this time, who wore a toga better? He checked his phone again.

10:03

Sigh.

He glanced to his right, hoping his favorite brother would provide some entertainment. Apollo, however, was sound asleep; he didn't even have the decency to do something embarrassing like snore or drool.

Like he said before: when had everything gotten so boring?

He was about to fake a heart attack in a desperate bid for freedom when he realized Zeus was speaking directly to him.

"And what is your opinion, Hermes?"

Tartarus.

"Um, yes, I definitely agree." Insert charming smile and hope for the best.

"Excellent. And Apollo what about you? Apollo?"

Hermes kicked him subtly. He awoke with a snort and shouted, "Bikinis! I mean, ah, I agree with Hermes."

Zeus shot the sun god a displeased look before leaning back regally on his throne.

"So it is settled. Hermes and Apollo will leave tomorrow morning."

_What?_ Hermes asked himself.

"We will find minor gods and godlings to take care of your duties while you are away."

_What?_

"And do pick the demigods carefully; this will be terribly dangerous for them."

_What?_

"It's likely that they will not return."

_What?_

"I would strongly suggest that Percy Jackson be considered."

_What?_

"Meeting adjourned."

_WHAT?_


	2. Chapter 2

10:00

"This meeting of the gods will come to order," Zeus proclaimed. He waited for everyone to get situated on their thrones (and for the assorted grumbling to die down) before he continued.

"This is not an ordinary meeting. We are facing a serious threat, which could have the direst of consequences if not dealt with in the proper manner."

"You always start the meetings like this," Poseidon muttered.

Zeus glared at him viciously. "Since my brother sees fit to interrupt me, Artemis, why don't you give your report?"

The goddess of the hunt nodded gravely. "My companions and I were tracking a group of hydra when we happened to pick up the trail of a most unusual monster. It was unlike anything I have ever seen."

"What, so we're having a meeting because the brat here found a monster she and her girlfriends can't handle?" Ares snickered. "Leave it to me, I'll kill it. I'll kill it dead!"

"Oh be quiet, you dolt," Athena snapped. "Do you not realize what this means?"

"Um…" Ares looked around for help.

"It _means_," Artemis cut in, "that I, who have spent the many long years of my life hunting and destroying every monster known to the gods, have never seen tracks like this." She turned the full fury of her gaze onto Ares. "It means that this is a new monster. A new kind of monster has been created."

10:01

"How is that even possible?" Hephaestus grumbled. "Are you sure it wasn't just the trail of one of my faulty automatons?"

"No, my wolves have had encounters with your metal creations before, but this scent was entirely new to them. Whatever this creature is, it is made of flesh and blood, and it is cunning; it was able to evade me until it reached its destination."

"Which was?" Zeus asked.

"Alaska. The land beyond the gods."

"Let me get this straight," Dionysus drawled. "There is some new monster, one that is clever enough to escape you, Artemis, and it's hiding out in the one place on Earth where we can't reach it?"

"Yes."

"So send some demigods after it." Dionysus leaned back contentedly, as if he had just solved all the world's problems.

Athena shook her head. "It is not that simple, not this time. If we send demigods they will be beyond our reach, unable to communicate with us. If they should perish, we would learn nothing. We need to know what this monster is and how it came to be. We need to know how dangerous this creature is and how many more like it there are. We need answers."

10:02

"What are you suggesting, Athena, that one _us_ deal with it?" Aphrodite asked, appalled at the idea.

"Certainly not you," Athena retorted. "But we must send someone who is capable of making the right decisions and gathering the information we need without getting killed in the process. We cannot rely on demigods alone."

"But how can one of us handle this mystery monster if it's in Alaska?" Poseidon asked.

"It is in fact possible for a god to enter Alaska. It is simply impossible for him to use his powers there."

"You want one of us to go in and fight this thing _without our powers_?"

"No, I want more than one of us to go. It must be a group effort."

"Just one problem, dear," Hera snarled. "There is no way any of us would agree to something that ridiculous."

10:03

"We would have to send some demigods, too," Zeus muttered, stroking his beard. "That way if something went wrong we could blame it on them."

"What was that?" Poseidon narrowed his eyes.

"I merely said that we will have to send demigods in order to help whomever is chosen to accomplish this task, since they will be forced to act without their divine powers. After all, we proved in the last Giant War that gods and demigods can work together."

"And let me guess whose child you had in mind," Poseidon glowered, his voice rising in volume.

"I had no one in particular in mind," Zeus lied, raising his voice to match his brother's. "But you must see the need for demigods in an instance like this."

Hera rolled her eyes. "Oh come now. Which of us would ever agree to go on a _quest_ with _demigods_ to fight an unknown monster _without using our powers_?"

"I believe I have a solution to that, Father," Athena said. "I am reminded of the time you punished my brother and uncle by forcing them to labor amongst the humans and to help build the walls of Troy."

Poseidon shuddered. Zeus was intrigued.

"You suggest that someone here could go on this quest as a punishment?"

"No," Athena smirked. "I merely wished to point out that Apollo has, yet again, fallen asleep during a meeting, and that Hermes, yet again, is paying absolutely no attention to us."

Zeus looked at his two sons (one of them sound asleep and the other staring at the corner) and an evil smile grew on his face. "I have warned them multiple times. And what a fitting punishment, sending them on an errand with demigods. It will humiliate them and allow them to do something useful for once. All in favor?"

Most of the gods raised their hands with grins on their faces. Only Poseidon and the two gods in question abstained.

"And what is your opinion, Hermes?"

* * *

AN: So now we know what Hermes and Apollo agreed to, poor guys. Also, I didn't make up the bit about Poseidon and Apollo being forced to help build the Walls of Troy- they were being punished for participating in an uprising against Zeus. They were supposed to get paid but the King of Troy cheated them, which is why Poseidon sided with the Greeks during the Trojan War. Who knew?


	3. Chapter 3

Hermes and Apollo stared at each other in shock. The other gods and goddesses kept glancing their way, most of them snickering. Poseidon, however, did not seem amused. He marched up to his two nephews, looking ready to skewer one or both of them on his trident.

"So," he demanded. "Are you going to take Percy with you or not?"

Hermes was flabbergasted. He was still trying to comprehend the fact that he was being sent on a quest, let alone that he had _agreed_ to be sent on a quest (idiot). And now Poseidon came up and expected him to answer logical questions? It was too much to take.

"Um, I have things to do…" Hermes muttered and ran like his immortal life depended on it.

He sprinted all the way to his palace and slammed the door shut. Then he locked it, pulled the curtains closed, and collapsed on the floor.

"Well?"

Hermes twitched and glared up at the now-even-angrier Poseidon. Oh, of course, he would just teleport in. The man has no sense of boundaries.

Finally he got to his feet. It's not like he could evade the question forever.

"Yes, I am. Zeus wants me to bring her, and she is one of the greatest heroes alive."

"Is that the only reason?" Poseidon asked shrewdly.

Hermes sighed. "I trust her. She tried so hard to save Luke; she was so kind to me after he…" Hermes couldn't even finish the sentence.

Poseidon looked at him for a long, long time. Finally he seemed to make up his mind. "I have three conditions."

"What are you going to do if I don't follow them, drown me?" Hermes tried to lighten the mood.

"Yes." Poseidon answered in complete seriousness. "Firstly, I want you to promise me you'll do everything in your power to bring my daughter back in one piece."

Hermes nodded solemnly. "I swear it on the River Styx."

"Second, I want you to give her a message for me."

"Well that is my job." Hermes smirked.

"Tell her… tell her that… tell her that I… Oh confound it all."

"I'll tell her you're proud of her."

Poseidon gave a sheepish smile. "Thank you. And one more thing: I would like to _strongly _recommend that you take Zeus' son Jason on this fool's errand, too."

* * *

Percy sighed happily. For the first time in forever, she had absolutely nothing to do. No impossible quests, no horrible monsters, no demanding gods, no annoying demigods. Just two cans of Coke, sunshine, and the beach. She leaned back on her elbows and closed her eyes.

"Mind if I join you?"

Percy tried really hard to play it cool. "That depends. Are you going to ship me off on an errand?"

"Not exactly."

"Ok then. Have a coke."

Hermes sat down with a smile. "I'm getting a distinct feeling of déjà vu." He downed the Coke in a single gulp.

Percy sat up and turned towards him with a smile of her own. "I don't know, it's not the middle of the night, you're not wearing jogging clothes, and there don't seem to be any cursed cruise ships around."

"You remember what I was wearing?" he teased.

Percy blushed and decided she needed to change the subject, _now_. "So why are you here?"

"Well, there's this quest…"

Percy frowned. "You said you weren't sending me on a quest."

"No, I said I wasn't shipping you off. I'm actually supposed to go with you."

Percy gaped. "What, like, the two of us? Together? On a quest? The two of us? You and me? Us?"

Hermes decided to have mercy on her and put an end to her babbling. "Yes, the two of us, plus Apollo. And Jason Grace. And another demigod, we haven't decided who yet."

"Oh." She thought for a minute. "So when are we leaving?"

Hermes shot her an incredulous look. "What, that's it? You don't want to know where we're going? You're not even going to ask why some of the gods are going on a quest?"

"Nah. I'm sure we're going somewhere horrible and dangerous to fight some horrible and dangerous monster. You can tell me why later. What's important is that I get to watch Apollo try and be useful on a quest. Just the idea of it..." She snorted.

Hermes grinned at her. As stupid as his predicament was, he was starting to get the feeling that it might not be so bad with Percy Jackson along.

* * *

AN: I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated, going back to school is terrible.

So I was going to have them leave on the quest in this chapter, but it just got to be way too long. Also, I can't make up my mind who I want the third demigod to be, any suggestions?

And as always, thank you so much to everyone read, reviewed, favorite and followed.


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